My favorite Andrew headcanon still remains that upon retiring from Exy—a good several years before average, and waaaay before Neil and Kevin, because he’s finally secure enough in his life and desires to recognize that he doesn’t need to keep doing something he doesn’t enjoy just because hes good at it—he goes back into law and becomes a public defender.
It’s not like he forgot anything since college, and most of the bar exam is rote memorization, so picking it back up is simple. Neil is too happy that Andrew is making such a major decision on his own initiative to be disappointed about losing pro exy.
On the other hand. Can you imagine sitting in a jail cell for auto theft waiting for some underpaid schmuck to offer you a plea deal when fucking LeBron James walks in.
One of the most decorated athletes of the decade sits down and says he’s your legal council. You start looking around for the prank cameras.
Your sister’s first celebrity crush starts reading you your rights for the interrogation in twenty minutes. You’re still looking for the cameras so you don’t notice he stopped until you realize he’s just been staring at you unblinking for three minutes. You squirm.
“Do you want to go to prison?” The man who went viral bench pressing another dude twice your weight asks. You somehow manage to not piss your pants long enough to say “No?”
“Then listen when I speak and do as I say.”
The police barge into the room. It’s clear from their faces that someone in the break room told them that Vogue’s sixth sexiest man alive was here and they had to check for themselves. “You’re Andrew Minyard,” the officer says incredulously.
“And you’re intruding on a private meeting without due cause,” says the man who’s dirty sweats auctioned last year at $30k, then turns back around and goes back to reading you your rights. You try to listen.
He asks if you have any questions. You say, “Why the hell are you here?”
“Because it’s my job,” says the best goalkeeper on the planet. He doesn’t say it, but dear god, why are you so dumb is heavily implied.
You decide to drop the subject. If his signature ends up being on your arrest papers, you are so framing it.
“A submarine has gone missing” : Oh jeeze, I hope they find those people.
“A submarine visiting the wreck of the titanic has gone missing” : Well, that’s a little ghoulish but I can’t blame folks for a morbid curiosity, especially at a monument to white man’s hubris.
“An experimental cobbled together submarine visiting the wreck of the titanic has gone missing” : Well at this point y'all were just taking your lives into your own hands and also how is ‘slapped together submarine’ a legal thing that’s real.
“An experimental cobbled together submarine full of the absurdly wealthy visiting the wreck of the titanic has gone missing” : Okay now this just feels a little too on point someone has to be joking with me.
say what you want about the Beard/Jane wedding but it canonically means that 1) Beard had a stag party and 2) Roy, his best man, was in charge of it. Bet that shit was wild
